The Morning Off

I felt like waking up slow that morning. Instinctively, like my ape brethren had done for ages, I yawned, stretched and scratched. I opened my mouth and closed it a few times just to see what the night had done to my breath. Should’ve brushed, I thought. The sun was shining through my window and I had to squint to look around the room. For a second, I thought I was in a Chinese sweat shop and that the figure in front of me was the old lady yelling at me to sew faster. But that was my dream and the figure was just my roommate.
He was sitting on his chair in his usual position, staring at the computer screen and typing something every now and then. He was always doing it- instant messaging the girl he couldn’t have but couldn’t seem to let go of. The typing was usually followed by him leaning forward to read her response and then muttering a string of obscenities. And then sometimes still, he would randomly turn to me. And I would flinch. You see, in the aforementioned ape analogy, he was the gorilla. I was more like the spider monkey.
“I don’t even know why I talk to her!” he declared on one particularly nasty occasion.
I sat up in my bed and scratched my bed head. “Don’t do it then,” I said in my tone of voice that meant I was looking for a certain response. My roommate just stared at me with his mouth slightly open. His eyes narrowed and he pointed at me. It seemed like he was going to say something. He looked to the side. Then he looked down at his hands.
“Well, I don’t know. I mean, she’s not that bad. She has her moments, you know?” he said and I shrugged and opened my mouth to reply. A beeping noise came from the computer which indicated that she was giving him a “nudge”. I was glad because I didn’t have to answer his question.
“Ooohhh, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” he yelled as he whirled around and went back to the computer. He faintly reminded me of a cursed mummy monster with the way he approached the screen. But, like always, he plopped back down onto the creaky chair and began to type, muttering his curses.
I got up off my bed and traversed the hallway to the living room. As I passed the bathroom, I noticed that the light was on. The switch to the bathroom light is also connected to that little fan in the ceiling that, when on, says to everyone in the house that it would be wise to avoid using the toilet for the next few hours. The light was like a ticking time bomb. At any moment, my obsessive-compulsive roommate, Dan, would sit bolt upright in his bed and then proceed to go on a groggy rampage throughout the apartment, searching for whatever inconsiderate jerk decided it would be funny to leave the fan on. It drove him nuts. So I flicked the switch and went on my way.
I went to the living room and collapsed on the sofa. It wasn’t long before my next most dominant male instinct kicked in: hunger. I felt like making the most amazing breakfast in the world. Complete with sausage, scrambled eggs, bacon, waffles and orange juice. The mere sight of it would bring Rachel Ray to her knees before me…

And then I realized we were out of eggs so I went back to bed.